Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Not the Man

I'm not the man I want to be. Whether it be physically, mentally, spiritually, parentally, husbandly...I am not the man I want to be.

One of the biggest fights in my life is trying to get out from under the lies the devil tries to feed me, that I can't be anything else than what I am. The other lie is that I have to do it myself. The devil has done a good job of shutting me down and bringing me to a state of debilitating self-loathing. I've come to my wits end in so many areas of life and am tired. I'm battling depression and lies, knowing in my mind the truth of God's word, but still not able to somehow allow that truth to cross over into the reality of my life.

I have a group of friends that recently went to a conference and brought back a different thought concerning grace. Grace is not merely linked to salvation or mercy. Grace is a strength and showing of God's power when our own strength is inadequate.

I think this view of grace is congruent with Paul's pleading with God to remove the thorn from his side. God replies with "My grace is sufficient for you..., for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Another passage has been floating around in my head. 2 Peter 1 tells us,
"3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires."

Our God is a god of second, third, fourth...chances. He's come to make all things new. He's come to give me a new life and he's given me everything I need for life and godliness. I'm not sure how that happens though. I'm not sure how to depend on Him. I can say it, pray it, and strive with my own power, but nothing seems to change.

The best I can do right now is recognize the lies and try to shoo them away.