It Hurts

It hurts me to lead.
It absolutely kill me to make a decision.
I don't want to make a decision too quickly.
I will appear arrogant and pushy.
I don't want to make a decision too slowly.
I will look slow and stupid.
There is a lot less anxiety in my life this week.
The reason, I don't have to lead anything on Sunday.
I have tried to pinpoint the reasons why leading is so tough for me.
A few reasons have come to mind.
One, I am afraid to fail.
Two, I am afraid to look foolish.
Three, I have a really low self-esteem.
Four, I am positive that leadership is not my gift.
Five, I do not want to be responsible for the outcome.
Six, I am lazy.
This sucks because I am expected to lead.
I am in a position to lead.
No one is following.
Yay!
I am successful at not leading.
I can feel good about something.

Me in a Singlet?

“I will stand on the Solid Rock. I believe if I feel it or not. Word of God come and fill my heart. I am Yours. Take control!”

That is the refrain from one of my favorite praise songs called, Solid Rock. It captures where my heart and life are often at, a spiritual wrestling match between what I know is true of the spiritual realm, and the reality of this world. I often get sucked in to the day-to-day of this world and turn my focus from Christ and on to whatever is going on in my life.

That was the case this last week as I wrestled and struggled with many of my insecurities, fears and failures. I let Satan have a foothold with my emotions and he ran me around and had me feeling completely worthless to the point of begging God to take my life to escape from this world. I know, it’s highly dramatic, but true. It was a rough week for me emotionally and spiritually and I know most of you have probably been through the same thing at one or more points in your lives.

It is at these low points in our lives where we must endure and stand firm on the Solid Rock of Christ that we know to be true. When God seems far away and quiet we have to remain faithful to what we know is the truth of His Word. We have to give permission to, and allow, God to speak through our Brothers and Sisters into our lives. We have to intensify our search for God, knowing that we have the promise of finding Him.

God, fill our hearts! We are Yours! Take control!

The One Talent Loser

Today I am feeling like a one talent loser. I speak of the parable of the talents in which several individuals were given charge of their master's wealth while he was away. Two of the individuals did well with their master's wealth and earned him double what they were given. The master was happy and gave them charge of more. The individual who received the least of the wealth was afraid to do anything with the wealth and buried it in the ground to keep it safe. When the master returned he was furious because the servant did nothing with the wealth. The master called the servant wicked and lazy and cast him out into the darkness.

Today I am feeling like that servant.

I don't know if it is true or merely my recollection, but I remember myself being much more creative, fearless, full of joy and life and one point and time. I remember being invigorated by the thought of having the opportunity to serve in ministry and the challenge of leading people closer to Christ. I remember having ideas flowing through my mind constantly.

Over the past six years I have given myself to laziness, anger, gluttony, selfishness and rage. I have not been what I desire to be or what the Lord desires me to be. I read this parable of the talents and I think about my life and ministry now. It's joyless, apathetic, without passion and vision, my mind can't concentrate on one thing long enough to accomplish anything. I wonder if I am the one talent loser. I know I have definitely been afraid to move, to act, to try due to a wide range of fears and insecurities.

Days like today I am definitely feeling like I've been cast out into the darkness. The scripture does not speak of it, but I wonder if there is redemption for the one talent loser. Does he get a second chance?

Confessions of a Fat Man

I am obese. I'm tired of being obese. I'm trying to do something about it. I like food. I believe I have sometimes idolized food. I love to eat, especially late at night in front of the T.V. I hate exercise. My six-year-old daughter tells me at least once a week that I should exercise so I won't be fat anymore. I believe people look at me differently because I am obese. I have hindered myself with many opportunities because of my weight. I hate flying because of my weight. The arthritis in my knees and ankles make it hard for me to exercise. I believe my lack of self-control in the area of food is a sin. I dislike that my children want me to do all these activities with them but I can't, or won't, because I don't have the energy. I began a healthy eating plan yesterday to help me lose weight. I need to lose about half of myself in weight to be in the zone that the medical field considers to be healthy. I will spare you the shirtless before and after photos. I wasn't always obese. The weight really began to take off after I moved from home and started eating out more and not taking the time to cook for myself. God has given me satisfaction with the food that I've eaten the past day-and-a-half. I have a long road ahead of me.

Raise one of your 8 daily glasses of water...here's to healthy living!

Christmas Traditions

There are many things I love about the Christmas season. The reason being that my family, and especially my mother's side of the family, has always made a big deal about Christmas. Christmas has always been a wonderful celebration filled with family, food and gifts.

One of my favorite traditions growing up was in the decorating of the house and tree. We made it a family event. I remember that there was always egg nog involved. Most of the years we would set up the same fake tree we had had since the beginning of time. We all would assist in the sorting of the fake tree branches according to the color painted on their wire ends. There would always be lights to unravel and plug into the wall to check before we wound them around the tree. Mom would get all the ornaments out and place wire hooks on them in preparation for us to hang. I remember snowmen, Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy, and small plastic candy canes of assorted colors. While the Tijuana Voices or Andy Williams Christmas albums were playing in the background, we would string lights, hang ornaments and place the garland perfectly on the tree. This is a tradition I have kept with my family now as they grow up. (With more musical selections of course.)

Another Christmas tradition that I truly cherish is the exchanging of ornaments. The first year we were married, Maranda and I decided that we would exchange ornaments every year and those would be the only ornaments that we would decorate our tree with. When children came along, we started to give them an ornament every year as well. We give an ornament to commemorate or signify something that happened that year. For the children, we have tried to give them ornaments that show their interests that year. It has been a wonderful tradition that brings back many memories every time we decorate the tree.

Along with the exchanging of ornaments, this year we have started ornament journals where Maranda and I will write a note to each other explaining why we picked the ornament we did. We also keep separate journals for each of the children that they will be able to take, along with their ornaments, when they establish their own households.

These are just a few of my favorite Christmas traditions. Enjoy the following Andy Williams video and don't forget to comment and let me know what your favorite Christmas traditions are.

Slacktivism

I learned a new word from Snopes.com yesterday and wanted to share it:

Slacktivism is the search for the ultimate feel-good that derives from having come to society's rescue without actually getting one's hands dirty, volunteering any of one's time, or opening one's wallet. It's slacktivism that prompts us to forward appeals for business cards on behalf of a dying child intent upon having his name recorded in the Guinness World Book of Records or exhortations to others to continue circulating a particular e-mail because some big company has supposedly promised that every forward will generate monies for the care of a languishing tot. Likewise, it's slacktivism that prompts us to want to join a boycott of designated gas companies or eschew buying gasoline on a particular day rather than reduce our personal consumption of fossil fuels by driving less and taking the bus more often. Slacktivism comes in many forms, but its defining characteristic is its central theme of doing good with little or no effort on the part of the person inspired to participate, through the mechanisms of forwarding, exhorting, collecting, or e-signing.

This was an eye-opening, punch-in-the-gut for me. If you're like
me, and I'm guessing some of you are, it is easy to get on face-
book and "like" until your little heart is content. The problem
with this is when we allow that little click of the "like" to produce
within us a feeling of accomplishment but we really haven't done
a thing.

Sure, we can post our bra color and say we are supporting the
fight against breast cancer, but are our checkbooks, time and
energies doing anything about it?

Sure, we can post a cartoon character in our profile picture and
say we're doing our part to raise awareness of child abuse, but
when it comes down to it, are we really helping in anyway, or are
we just posing and making our friends think there is some sort
of substance to us?

Don't fall for the trap. As Public Enemy would say, "Don't believe
the hype!" Put your money, time, energy, etc. where your mouth
(facebook post, "like" button) is and do something to make a
real difference.

Travel Envy

I love to travel. I don't have the resources (money, vacation days) to travel as much as I'd like to (every other week), but I love to travel.

Driving is the way to go, especially if you don't have small children and a time constraint. I enjoy the scenery and freedom that car travel provides. I like the ability I have pull over and take a picture or check out that hole-in-the-wall place that turns out to be an absolute gem of the area's culture.

Music is a must. Good tunes shared with good friends are essential for road travel.

I've noticed that travel is becoming an idol in my life. I live from trip to trip. Immediately when returning from a trip, I'm already planning for the next trip. If I don't have someplace to go for several months at a time, I find myself getting restless and discontent. I get jealous of friends that get to travel often.

I share this today to declare my love of travel, but also as a public confession. I share this so you can slap me around if you see me talking about a trip with more passion than I have for God.